Irritated

Warning : u might wanna skip this post. It's emotional. And it involves weight issues yet again. And i feel like cursing a bit today. And i'm not gonna bother checking my grammar/spelling. Oh, and its a really long wordy post.

As a child my father tried to discipline me. He said "you can't eat your cake and still have your cake".

I hated that idiom. For instance, Why can't i eat a lot and be thin?

Call me a rebel, unreasonable, whatever, but i grew up wanting to do JUST that. In every way i can, in every situation, i try my best to make it a win win situation. Reduce my losses to as close as zero as possible.

I love eating, i dun understand how some girls can miss a meal or two or three-which is all meals in a day... I just won't diet!

I dieted when i was in form1, FORM 1 damnit, and i suspect that is why i didn't grow as tall as i could have. I know its impossible for me to grow anymore, but i really LOVE food. I can eat even when i'm full, buffets i can conquer.

I only stop eating when i've been bloated for about half an hour
or when eating more would cost me money...
or when i am supposed to leave food for my family members

In steamboat dinners on Chinese New Year, i'd still be eating when everyone's done and all families' maids are eating. If i'm eating with u, and u don't finish your food, i'd start eating it.

But more often than not, soceity's voice creeps into my head, u'd get FAT if u eat all that. And so i control myself.

That just means i don't overeat. But i eat my share, i eat my meals, skip none of them. I don't wanna sound like one of those Fitness First advertisements but, yeah, it has helped me a lot.

I can eat my meals, oh, my sweet sweet meals... fried chicken, my love;
rendeng, heaven on a plate AND
Soya bean that tastes like soya bean and not water. My soya bean actually HAS sugar in it.

Er... I still have fats in my tummy and my thighs still do have cellulite, but i look a lot better than i did 5 months ago, if i do say so myself.

To eat and not get fatTER, i exercise. I know walking the treadmill is like being a hamster in a wheel, running and running but getting no where.

When i am on the treadmill i'm a happy hamster in an airconditioned wheel, getting closer to my target weight.

Actually i don't wanna lose weight la. I wanna be like the Monash Cheer Club Captain 2005/2006. She's HOT but heavy. She's 54kg which is MY weight, about my height but she is sooooo much hotter than me.

So, i kinda wanna build musles and lose the fats, be like her. Hot but heavy. Curvy, not skinny.

Earlier on when i just started Fitness First, i lost 1.5kg. I was 52.5kg for a while... and now i'm back at 54. And seriuosly, i don't mind, i think i built muscles. I want Muscles: Calorie Busting Cells.

Muscles burn 30% more calories than fats do. Even when u sleep! And u know i love to sleep.

Well, i'm writing this post cuz i've got into some problems because i joined Fitness First. For one, my father is totally against it, i fork out the RM109 a month student priced fees from my own paycheck. So am living on a tight budget.

Two, i had some. Er. Really unpleasant conversations with GIRLfriends due to my shortlived weight loss. They were insecure when i inched a lil bit closer to their featherlight-under-51kg-weight.

Three. I spend a lot of time in the gym. Less time to studies, many study dates are cancelled. And today, i argued with E, one of the reasons is cuz i went to Fitness... thats why i am writing this post, to get my mind off things, cool down. So i can study later... maybe after a short nap...

Anyway weight issues are NOT nothing, its NOT just stupid girls going on and on about FAT. Isn't anorexia a problem? What about bulimia? How about depression and suicide?

So, soceity, why must u keep on insisting that thin is beautiful?